All Blog Postings by Mary
Death Anniversary
Archive notice: This is a historical post from Mary’s years of blogging. Some older posts may mention products, courses or shop items that are no longer available, as Mary now focuses her time and energy on supporting widows inside her private Facebook community. The guidance and stories remain here as a free resource for widows.
For current ways to connect with Mary’s work, you can:
- Read her book on Amazon .
- Request to join her private Facebook group for widows .
Donnie's death anniversary was yesterday and it's been 18 years since he died. I’m a living example of a woman who had to reinvent herself.
I’m no longer that married 50 year old, but one thing that has not changed is that with every death anniversary I still miss my Donnie. It’s not as painful and confusing, but I still have my lonely times. I shake it off by getting busy or even taking a walk. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, as it can be a simple soak in the tub.
They say you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have left. I now know that I was in a state of shock and bewilderment so deep that it would take months, years even, for the feelings to surface and for me to be able to feel them.
So yes, I was strong – I had a funeral to organize and I had other people’s grief to deal with. For a while I was so overwhelmed that I had no idea what I might be feeling or thinking.
But looking back, it was mostly a blur: an adrenalin-fuelled state of survival where, by putting one foot in front of the other, I managed to keep going. Meanwhile, as if through the mirror, the outside world goes on relentlessly as though nothing at all has changed.
Try not being strong and see where it gets you. If you set down on the floor and sob, you may find that no one will come near you. We do not know how to witness another’s pain or simply to stand by them as they grieve. So grief and sadness become private and hidden. We even find it hard to cry in private. Perhaps we are afraid that if we do go into the sadness that we might never find our way out.
Eighteen years on and I know that I am strong, but that strength comes from vulnerability; from allowing myself to experience feelings rather than hide them.
With every death anniversary I always confirm that I’m responsible for my life and it’s important for me to have family and good friends to share it with.
How are you doing? Have you travelled through the grief to find some healing? Remember that I’m 18 years into this, so if your broken heart is still healing be kind to it. Don’t pressure it into healing faster than it is capable of.