All Blog Postings by Mary
Thoughtless Things People Say
Archive notice: This is a historical post from Mary’s years of blogging. Some older posts may mention products, courses or shop items that are no longer available, as Mary now focuses her time and energy on supporting widows inside her private Facebook community. The guidance and stories remain here as a free resource for widows.
For current ways to connect with Mary’s work, you can:
- Read her book on Amazon .
- Request to join her private Facebook group for widows .
Although widows sometimes want to be alone, more often they just want to be treated normally. Sadly, society has never been taught how to talk about grief and so we are uncomfortable around widows, and that's where thoughtless things people say comes from.
Thoughtless Things People Say:
"I know what you're going through." Actually, no, you don’t. The loss you suffered is uniquely yours and yours alone. Instead try saying, “I don’t know how you feel, but I am praying for you or thinking about you”.
"At least he's no longer suffering." I’m sorry, but most people would rather still have their loved one and this makes them feel guilty for feeling that way.
"Call me if you need anything." People who are grieving don't usually call. They are just trying to breathe. And they don't know what they need, other than the loved one who is gone. Don't ask them to call. Instead call them or go sit with them.
"This is going to be a very difficult Christmas for you." Better not to even touch on the holidays and how difficult it’s going to be. They are already well aware of it.
"God never gives you more than you can handle." Try to never, ever, say that to someone who has just lost a loved one.
"You're young … you can find love again." There are no words for that one. None.
“He wouldn’t want you to cry or be sad”. It’s more likely that their spouse would want them to grieve in a healthy way and to feel whatever it is that they need to feel.
“You really need to move on (or) get over this”. A person doesn’t “move on” as if their loved one never existed. Over time they move forward with their memories.
“You should move… You should get a Counselor…. You should get rid of his/her things”, etc. Everyone grieves differently and they don’t need unsolicited advice.
“At least he/she lived a long life, many people die young”. It’s never long enough to have your loved one and you always want more.
This list of "Thoughtless Things People Say" is from my experience as a Widow, Grief Recovery Specialist and from the grief sessions I’ve taught. I hope it helps others to understand that sometimes the less said the better.
We are told to be kind to ourselves, but it's not always easy. Widows often fail to act in their own best interest and we let what others say affect our healing. You're responsible for what you do and what you say, and that's it. You are not responsible for what other people say. You don't have to take responsibility for what they think, just your role in life - you are what matters so let their opinions roll off your back.