I have a surprise for you – we all have dysfunctional families and holidays can be stressful with them. However, in one way or another if we accept this with a sense of humor we may just survive the holidays with our sanity intact. 

For many widows, we require the skill of a master navigator to sail through family get-togethers without someone’s feelings getting hurt. Before you set sail here are some strategies for staying out of sticky situations: 

Let it go – Most of us go home for the holidays just wanting to get it over with. The hope that our dysfunctional families will act perfectly sets us up for disappointment. Before you go take a few moments to sit quietly and acknowledge that they are all different in their own ways and be prepared to accept them as they are. 

Set boundaries – Once you set limits as to how much time you spend and with who, you will feel safe and even more enthusiastic for that “great aunts” visit. After all what is one hour out of your holiday if it keeps everyone happy. 

 

Guide to Surviving all those Special Occasions
Special occasions can be a time of joy and anticipation but for people who’ve recently lost a loved one, the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Years can seem like a minefield of anxiety, anger and depression – not to mention Valentine day, birthdays and anniversaries.

 

Give up control – Any attempt you make to control what others say actually puts you under their control. Don’t argue, try to explain or force them to approve of your appearance or life style. They will not hear what you are saying and you’ll never, ever control their real thoughts and feelings. Feel what you feel, know who you are and set your relatives free to do the same. Whatever the situation accept that you can only control yourself and give up trying to control others. 

Become a “participant observer” – Use this technique to watch and report on whatever is going on. Become absolutely fascinated by what you are observing as if you had to report it later to someone you trust. Watch closely and see your family’s behavior with a sense of humor – it may be good for some comedy material next time you visit your best friend. 

Shared history -  If there are squabbles sidestep it by saying, "I'm getting upset and I need a break." or "Isn't it interesting that we grew up in the same family, but we can disagree about ....?"

When you are asked a personal question, pretend that you bored and say something like, "I appreciate your interest, and when I'm ready to talk about it, I will.  I know you understand."  Then change the subject and ask them about their kids, recent vacation, favorite hobby etc.  All these strategies are designed to help you spend time with your dysfunctional family during the Holidays.  

Appreciate your dysfunctional family and the holiday gatherings, even with all its crazyness.   Then you can walk away with happy memories of the family members that do you cherish.