What is successful grieving?  For me it’s understanding that grief isn’t about getting over your loss, it’s about learning to live with it.  It’s about knowing that we may experience anger, depression and denial, or we may not.  That embracing your story of grief doesn’t remove your suffering, but it does remove the fear that you’re not doing it right. You should be free to observe your feelings, day by day, without shame or judgement.  Without trying to fit them into a theory that others follow.  Don’t judge your mourning, but instead let love flow back into your heart as you honour your memories.  There is relief when we realize that there is nothing wrong with us.  We are not depressed or crazy – we are grieving widows. It’s natural to try to keep our memories alive in order to keep them with us.  My husband died and I mourned.  That’s part of my life so why be quiet about it? Stories keep our memories alive and indirectly they keep our loved ones in our lives.  They help us to make sense of their death and communicates our loss to others.  Grief will make itself heard, no matter what.  Grief story telling is particularly important in our embrace of life.  Death is part of life, and sadly it cannot be avoided. Your personality, life experiences and upbringing will dictate to a significant degree how successful grieving will be.  They also show how you experience loss and what you need from yourself and others as your grief unfolds. Take a few minutes to think about your basic personality type and how it might influence how you grieve:

• Do you need to be around others or do you prefer to be alone?
• Is it important for you to feel understood or do you walk your own path?
• Do you feel the need to express your grief by serving others?
• Do you write out your feelings by journaling?

Some widows need to become involved in a cause, visit the cemetery, create a photo album etc.  All of these can be successful grieving behaviors, influenced by your sense of what you need and who you are.  No one else will feel the exact way you do or will seek to express those feelings in the same way.  You are unique because of your life experiences and therefore it comes to reason that your grief will also be unique so claim it for what it is. Remember grief is not a medical condition.  Embracing your uniqueness, accepting how others grieve, coming to terms with how you deal with stress – all these thing will bring you some peace and will help with your successful grieving. To love is to risk pain.  But the alternative is to live never experiencing the love that comes from a spouse.  Understand who you are as a person and you will understand what influences your grief journey.