All Blog Postings by Mary
To Be a Friend
By Mary Francis · Originally published: September 29, 2025
Archive notice: This is a historical post from Mary’s years of blogging. Some older posts may mention products, courses or shop items that are no longer available, as Mary now focuses her time and energy on supporting widows inside her private Facebook community. The guidance and stories remain here as a free resource for widows.
For current ways to connect with Mary’s work, you can:
Widows are lonely and we often wonder why our friends don’t understand our grief. But, do we know how to be a friend? The issues you are having, may not be all on their end. Grief changes us and we are emotionally unstable as we try to figure out this life as a widow.
I believe in the saying, “To have a friend, you must first be a friend.” However, at this time of grieving we struggle to be a friend, even to ourselves. If we hold back, hiding at home, refusing all invitations – is that how to be a friend? No, and even as grievers we know that.
Human emotions are a mixed bag – the good and the bad.
Repressing our pain renders us numb to the joy of friendships. The only way out of grief is to plow directly through its emotional hell to get to the other side.
Unseen fears and loneliness lurk everywhere and it often takes others to guide us towards a future where we can experience happiness again. That’s what you need from your friends, but what do your friends need from you? Friendships won’t survive if they become a one way path and it is all one sided.
Your friends have their own fears and needs. By learning how to be a friend to them your broken heart will start to heal so that you can also be a friend to yourself. It’s a strange thing, but by taking the focus off your pain and focusing instead on the needs of others, you’re see the beauty, peace and hope still in your life. It also brings on the sense of “gratefulness” that seeing others needs brings us for what we still have.
Have you ever wanted to call a friend to express sympathy for a loss, health issues or family problems, but hesitated because you were afraid of saying the wrong thing? Of course, we have all been there. And yet, it takes very little to touch someone. Even an old fashion card received in the mail can bring light into their day.
I’ve learned the value of reaching out with respect and concern. I’ve also learned that friends need to give each other feedback in order to strengthen their friendships. Feedback does not mean a guilt trip for our perceived grievances. It’s a positive conversation about what you need while also acknowledging where in life your friends are.
As a widow I had to learn how to ask for what I needed and not leave my friends guessing about what I was thinking. At first it wasn’t easy, but I found the more precise I could be the better chance I had of getting what I needed.
We also need to ask our friends what they need and to really listen. In the warmth of genuine caring, good friendships open up like flowers and don’t wilt away. Also, acknowledge that your life has changed and not all friendships will survive. Let them go gracefully, and seek out new friendships where it’s a path of both give and take.
